Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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