Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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