I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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