The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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