My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
