im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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