i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
