No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
