What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
