He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
