i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
