Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
