I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
