another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
