I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
