I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
