Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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