I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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