Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
