If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
