You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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