life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
