I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
