Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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