I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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