I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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