Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The adults are the big ones right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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