I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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