Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
