2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
