Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
