Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
