I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
