you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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