Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
