life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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