she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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