Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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