What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Drunk is not a location!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
