No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
