My room smells like vodka and shame
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
