about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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