he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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