Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
