Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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