He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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