maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
