Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
