I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
