i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
