our cab driver is having phone sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
