I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
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so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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