I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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