i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
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I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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