Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
