I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
