I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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