so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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