Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
