that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10