my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.