I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.